Who's the anchor today?

When I first moved in with J things were not easy for us.  I was used to things my way and living how I liked.  She was used to living with her parents and I was, not only the first guy she had lived with, but the first time she had lived on her own.  It took some getting used to each other and how we both worked together. 

We then added Kiddo to the mix.  That also took some adjusting.  Then we moved across the world and kept adjusting.  Keep talking and figuring it out.  Figuring each other out.  Figuring out Kiddo as well.  

Now, here we are in Shanghai, China and that takes adjusting and figuring out.  However, we have 20 years of history together and that helps.  It didn’t come overnight and wasn’t like some sitcom where it just magically works out in a half hour.

What’s the point of this?

Firstly, it’s props to J.  For dealing with me and my quirks.  The first 15 years of our relationship, I was undiagnosed ADHD and unmedicated.  I was less than my best self.  I’m not my best self now, far from it, but I’m working on that as well.  Working on being a better partner.  A better friend.  A better husband.  A better dad.  

China is like that.  This is a different place.  It’s easy in a lot of ways.  Convenient.  Fast.  You can order and have delivered almost anything you want.  However, a lot of that is app based and those apps are in Mandarin or other Chinese dialects; we’re not familiar enough to know the difference - Yet.  However, we partner with each other.  We talk with each other.  We share the tips and tricks.  We figure things out and share.

I’m (I’ll admit) quick to trigger and get frustrated.  J is better at keeping it together.  Last night, we went out for Pho.  Noodles and soup.  The table had a QR code on it and we were trying to figure it out and order and (like most things here) prepay and have the food show up.  It wasn’t working.  We also are on older phones and tech and that was a hurdle as well.  We kept it together.  We worked together.  We got food.  Also, we learned a trick for that using the apps we have.

Life isn’t some sitcom, like I said.  There’s not a magical solution that just shows up to solve the problem and make the audience laugh.  It’s real life.

That means that you need to find those people who you love and know and you need to lean on them and let them lean on you.  I lean a lot right now, since (like I’ve said) J is the calm one who won’t trigger easily.  She is my rock and my home in a lot of ways.  She is my anchor right now.  In a few weeks, as she’s in the thick of school and her masters program, I will be the anchor.  I will be back to cooking meals and giving her comfort and love when she comes home.  Making space for her and supporting her as she needs to work nights or weekends again.  I will take the brunt of Kiddo.  I will clean and manage the house.

It’s about figuring it out and how it works for you and them and the Kiddo and all of that.  It’s about trusting that you love each other and that, even when frustrated and losing your cool, that the other person will have your back and anchor you when you start to drift.  It’s about teamwork.

I couldn’t do this without J.  I couldn’t do this without Kiddo.  I need them both as much as they need me.  We are on this wonderful and weird adventure, but that doesn’t make it magic that solves all the problems.  It takes work.  Teamwork.  Love.  Trust.  Communicating and sharing.  

All that time ago, when J first moved in with me, it took trust and a leap of faith.  Bangkok, Shanghai, our summer trips, our life takes the same leap and trust.  It takes a little bit of magic, a whole lot of patience, a slew of talking and communicating, and a ton of love.  Thankfully we have that in bulk.  I guess 20 years will do that, but it wasn’t overnight and it wasn’t without work.  It still is work, but it’s work we like doing together.  Besides, the payoff is worth it.  We get to see the world…. And there’s also the occasional smooching.  So, I’ll take it.

I found my person.  Then we made a person.  Now, we are a family and we get to have this adventure.  Sometimes it’s easy.  Sometimes it’s not.  However, it’s always us and that’s the important part.

Let’s go, Kiddo… I know we’ve been dragging you around Shanghai and that you want life to get back to routine, but now is the hard part.  The figuring it out part.  The learning it all part.  But, that’s part of it.  And you are part of the family.  We love you and want you to have joy, but that takes work.  From you too.  Sometimes that work is just listening.  Sometimes it’s not fun.  For us either.  But, struggling through the hard makes the good times all the better.  Remember that and remember that we will always listen and hear you; even if it’s not easy.