Coin Flip

Part of being 5 and in Kindergarten is learning and finding the flow and pace of school.  Another side of that is making friends and navigating that dynamic.  There have been days when after school is hard because someone didn’t want to play or wanted to play a different game or something like that.

It’s hard, as a parent.  I want to put myself out front and defend her to the death and make her happy.  Because, of course, Kiddo is blameless in all of this.  It’s not that she’s being inflexible or over zealous in her wants.  It’s not her fault.

I need to remind myself, that there is two sides to every story.  That there is another side of that coin.  

Kiddo can be willful.  Hard-headed.  Stubborn.  She can be solitary sometimes, just doing her own thing and not caring if others want to join or not, she’s gonna just do her own thing.

But wait….

There is TWO SIDES to her as well.

She can be sweet.  Loving.  Caring.  Thoughtful.  Generous.  

Today, there was an event at school.  We got to go and read with our kids.  Have hot coco with marshmallows!  Kiddo and her classmates even got to come in their jammies.  It was to promote reading with your kids.  Before bed, like right now when the kids are in their jammies, is a great time to read with them…. Even letting them read the sight words and other words they know.  It was fun.

Anyways, Kiddo and I were packing up to get going and she needed to grab a book her and I could read together.  Kiddo grabbed a second book.  “Just in case someone doesn’t have one.  They can pick.  Even if they want to read my first book…. Because this one is good too.”

That’s so sweet of her.  So empathetic.  Someone might not have and I have extra, so let me bring one.  I’m proud of her for thinking this.  I’m proud of her for having that kind of awareness and her willingness to share.

And like those situations, where maybe we do have tears after school or in the morning, because Kid A didn’t play or Kid X didn’t share or Kid 4 didn’t play right.

There is a second side to that story.  

Was Kiddo demanding that everyone play a certain way that she dictates to them or are they just not playing nice and being chaotic?  Is it Kiddo’s game or someone else’s game that she is trying to take over?

There are two sides.

I can’t just take her word that it’s not her fault.  That she was just playing and others were being mean.  All of that is highly doubtful.  Even if Kiddo isn’t in the wrong, maybe she was picked on that day.  Well, maybe Kid A, X and 4 were having a bad day.  Or didn’t eat a good lunch.  Or had a bad night of sleep.

There are two sides.

I broke my brother’s finger once.  A long time ago.  It was (probably) the worst thing I’ve done in my life and one of the few things I wish I could go back and have a do over at.  But I can’t.  What I did is indefensible.  It was wrong.  There is no other way to put it.

But there is another side to it.

I won’t litigate that here.  Not 30 years after the fact.  Not that I could even being to try to justify that terrible act and time.  But there is another side to it.

My relationship with my bro has never been the same since then.  I’ve apologized.  But that will never undo that act and day.  That pain.  That betrayal by someone so close.  A selfish and stupid act, done impulsively by an angry teenager, with no empathy or understanding.  

But…..

I didn’t just smash his finger for no reason.  

Something brought it to that point.  

Yes, most (99.9%) of that is on me.

But there is another side.

That 0.1% is still there.

That isn’t there to exonerate me or make what I did right.  It is there, however, to give context and a full picture to the act.  Because, YES!  Darth Vader is bad, but there’s something to that.  There is context to that.  And YES!  Batman is good.  He’s saving Gotham.  But there’s more to that.

There are TWO SIDES.  

And the other side doesn’t make it right.  It doesn’t make me (or anyone else) blameless.  But it does give the full picture.  It does tell the full story.  As I said, maybe the kid that was mean to Kiddo had a bad night sleep, or didn’t like lunch and is hungry.  Doesn’t make acting mean right, but it does give it some context.  Kid A isn’t evil or mean.  They had a bad day.  Maybe it was Kiddo that was tired or had a bad lunch.  Because I can see the 99.9%, but there could be a wealth of information in that last 0.1%.

There are two sides.  We try to show Kiddo that.  We try to remember it ourselves.  To give that empathy and willingness to see all sides of a situation.  Tell me about Kid A… did you play that morning?  How about lunch and after?  When did Kid A start acting mean?  Did you act mean first?  Did you play the game wrong when it was their turn?  Did you have a bad lunch as were hungry and grumpy?  Can you apologize?  Is this the first time or has it happened before?  

We think and explore the idea.  Find the context of it.  Find that place where we can see it the best and explore that.  Maybe it was as simple as Kiddo picked a book that Kid A didn’t like for reading that day.  Maybe Kid A was unhappy that Kiddo was Line Leader that day and lashing out.  That’s ok.  Let’s talk to them about that and see if you can’t be friends again tomorrow.

Because there are two sides.

That doesn’t make both sides right.  Doesn’t make both wrong.  Just means, that somewhere in it all, nothing is 100%.  Death, so far as I know, is the only thing that is 100%.  In the rest, look for the other side.  Because in that, you might just find the truth.

Let’s go, Kiddo… We did books and reading this morning at school with coco and marshmallows.  I’ll bring your scooter so you can scoot home.  There’s another side to that story as well, but that’s not to be told here today.  I love you, Kiddo, and I’m proud of you for doing this hard thing.  I’m proud of you for your empathy and willingness to share and try and do.  Trying is hard, but I see you trying everyday.  Even if it’s just trying to see the other side of things.