Two very different emails

I’ve been put in a reminiscent mood recently.  Maybe it’s the upcoming trip back to the States, but I think that I’ve been exploring my past a bit recently in therapy and working on remembering the good and letting go of the bad.  Life, it seems, has been conspiring with my subconscious and helping me with this.

I was gaming last night, since J went to bed early.  She’s on the backend of antibiotics and bronchitis and she was just run down.  I had on music, but my mood was scattered.  Thankfully (for me at least) Spotify has a DJ and I could write you about 700 pages about that and about how Spotify could do so much more with it, but that’s not what this is about.

Putting on the DJ mix, it was a good blend.  Some rock and upbeat stuff, but not all guitarish and the like, but pop and pop rap type stuff.  Cool groove.  From there, it got weird.  Sneaker Pimps, Radiohead, rock/electronica deep cuts and the like.  Again, I was digging it.  About an hour had gone by and I skipped a track here and there, but mostly I was in the groove.  Suddenly, I got smacked.

Same Love by Macklemore &  Ryan Lewis ft Mary Lambert came on.  First, it had been a MINUTE since I’d heard that track.  It was all over the place about 11 years ago.  ELEVEN YEARS.  WOW!  Think about that for a second.  Macklemore was rapping and singing about this 11 years ago and if anything, things have gone backwards.  Much like my comments and thoughts on Pearl Jam a few posts ago, how could they be singing about something 30 years ago and we are STILL dealing with it.  When are we going to stop the culture war crap and get back to governance?  

That aside, and more than that, an old acquaintance/friend popped into my mind.  In the last three years I lived in WI, I came to know some people.  I won’t list them all, I’ve fallen out of touch with all of them, but maybe one of them will find their way here, who knows?!?  Regardless, my friend Kenton came to mind.  He would have LOVED Macklemore.  Kenton was brave, bold, and yet… very lost.  He was openly homosexual and in today’s world, I think he would have been more on the LGBTQ than just homosexual side of things.  God, he was a beautiful man.  His life.  His spirit.  The fact that he spend the 90s fighting to be accepted as an open homosexual person.  

When I was dating Brothko in the year after I moved to CA, I got an email from one of those mutual friends mentioned above that Kenton had finally lost his fight against oppression and the world.  He finally surrendered and he took his own life.  I get emotional and teary thinking of that email. 

How can you hate someone for how they love?  Why do you care?  And isn’t it sickly ironic that we hate people for love?  And I can’t change, even if I tried, even if I wanted to  My love, my love, my love, she keeps me warm.

If you are reading this and you knew Kenton, take a minute to remember his spirit.  His laugh.  His big, open smile that was just light in a dark room or would absolutely electrify a light room.  I hope my time in the afterlife has a day with Kenton, just to see him smile and hear him laugh again.  

Keeping, strangely, with the theme-

Let’s stay on the topic of emails.

I’ve gotten an email recently.  From someone no longer in my life.  Let’s call this person my French Friend.  Anyways, I got an email and a message on a social media from FF.  It was generic and banal enough, but it was off.  It just wasn’t right.  Something sat wrong with me.

I thought about that and I’ve been thinking about that for a few days now.  The fact that I’ve not heard from this person in YEARS was the first part of it.  The fact that they came at me like all those years hadn’t past without a single word, even though I’ve texted, emailed, called, etc in the lead up to our moving to BKK.  The real straw that broke the camel was using Kiddo as an entry point.

NO!  You DO NOT do that.  Kiddo is not a chit for you to cash on for my attention or our attention.  

Here’s the thing-

That was over a week ago now.  I messaged this person back and that message included an invite to our social media page on face/insta and a link to the blog.  Those are all still pending as of today.

If FF would have followed us on face/insta and followed the blog, slowly inserting themselves with messages (ex: Wow, cute pic of Kiddo.  Neat, I’d like to try that.  Man that food looks good) that aren’t personal, not begging, not using old jokes and ins, vying for attention, even going so far as using Kiddo’s name and putting her on Blast in an online setting, I would have been more receptive.  

In all honesty, I would have ignored them for a bit.  A comment one or two days… ok, whatever.  A month of comments and little, unassuming, generic type things and I would have reached out or commented in the blog to raise a flag for FF to reach a bit further.  Instead, this person, who hasn’t really been in my life for almost 5 years, decides to put our Child on blast with a name and inside joke mention on a public forum (since removed/corrected) and then they get upset when I call them on that in DMs.  A DM that included an invite to follow us on those platforms, correct ways to do that for our and Kiddo’s security and anonymity, and wishing them well and even mentioning that they should follow us and not just pop up and sniper twice a decade and THEY are upset.

FF has two children of their own.  Older than Kiddo by almost a decade.  If I would pop up and start putting FF’s kids on BLAST online, using full names, inside jokes, and other identifiable info, FF would jump all over me and call me out (rightfully so) and yet, when they do the same, they can’t put the shoe on the other foot and basically write me off as a butthead.  

You don’t get to ignore me and us for half a decade and then think you can just pop up and all is forgiven.  That after so many years of non-contact and silence and I’m supposed to fall all over myself and ignore my child’s security online?  As mentioned above, you slowly integrate your way back.  You keep your head down.  You poke, gently, and hope you are noticed.  Then, if you are, that’s a different conversation.  However, popping up out of the blue after no contact for so long and you don’t get to make jokes, use full names, or expect to be praised and noted.

More than that, why involve Kiddo as a way in and her Bday as an excuse?  Kiddo wouldn’t know you if you were standing in front of her right now.  She wouldn’t interact with you.  She wouldn’t be open to you.  At least, not right away.  She might warm to you, especially if Mumma and Dada seemed to like and get along with you.  Heck, Kiddo’s still a bit stand offish with Coach Tony and he and I have been friends here for almost 3 years now and HE’S HER PE TEACHER.  

So, if FF is reading this…. 

I ain’t mad.  I ain’t happy.  I’m me.  In Bangkok Thailand.  With a wife and child.  About to move to Shanghai and having a summer trip to the States and Mexico.  You want to follow along, follow along.  But you can’t just go full bore day one.  Go slow.  Likes and comments of a very generic nature until you are noticed.  Or, stay silent and watch from afar.  Or just ignore us.  We honestly don’t care.  Because you aren’t in our life.  You made that choice.  And if you want to change that, it takes more work than just popping up one day and throwing sentiments (false or otherwise) at Kiddo.  

You don’t know us any more than we know you.  If we were new friends, you wouldn’t act like that, so don’t act like that now.  Beyond that, if you want to be in our life, you can do the long and slow work of making that right.  It’s not my job to make apologies for you, that’s your job and would have been a better place to start than how you did, popping up like that and putting Kiddo on blast like that.  

Lastly, a week ago you were scolded, but in that, you were sent links to follow.  You ignore that and get upset by our response.  Tells me a LOT of what I needed to know.  Because if you really wanted to be in our lives and not just latch on for whatever use and abuse you wanted to foist on us, you would have taken the feedback more constructively and even if my words were a little sharp, accepting the friend requests and links would do a whole lot more to show us your intention than your popping up and sniping years after the fact.

Go then, FF, there are other worlds than these.

A few weird days and situations, but that’s cool.  In 66 days, life is gonna hit warp speed until about Mid-October and we are just gonna be on the rollercoaster.

Let’s go, Kiddo… It’s almost time to go, but we want you to know that we love you.  For who YOU are.  Whatever that is.  No matter who you love.  And we will protect you from those who want to hurt you or use you to hurt us or get to us.  We will always be your shield and put ourselves in front of you.  I will always be your Kratos, taking the blows for you or fighting right at your side.  I will listen for your words and suggestions in my heart, but you have to do the same for me.  We love you, always and no matter what.