Independently Cuddled

I love a lot of things about the Kiddo.  Mostly, though, I love the mornings with the Kiddo these days.  

See, we have a routine and it changes based on the day.  

Some mornings, I’m still sleeping when lil miss wakes.  J, 99% of the time, is showering or getting ready for her day, so a little hand either strokes my arm hair until I wake up or smacks me somewhere on the blankets and body to wake me.  But, she’s always woken me in her Kiddo way.  In California, she would hit the door like a Linebacker with a free shot at the QB and in her loudest little voice, WAKE UP, DADA!  

But, I wake.  Then she scoops up the pile of fluffy blankets into her arms and kind of leans into me laying on the bed.  I can then scoop her up and pull her into the bed and we can cuddle and talk and she tells me about her sleep, dreams, waking up, seeing rain out the window, what we should do that day, etc.  

The other way is that I wake first.  Usually I get up and have coffee and either catch up on the news and scroll on my phone or I grab my Kindle and read.  Then, when lil miss wakes, she comes into the living room with the same bundle of blankets and comes over and I scoop her up into my lap on the chair and she sits and does all the same.  Sleep, dreams, day plans, etc.  

It’s just very much us.  

And I wish I could stop time and she could just be 4 and cuddling me and just being small and sweet and so frickin’ adorable.

But….

It’s so much fun watching her grow up.

To hear the new thoughts and questions.  To interact with her and her world.  To see her become more and more of a person.  Wondering who and what she will become.  How will she be shaped by life and school and education.  What kind of social currency will she have with those experiences?  Watching her learn and become and have unique thoughts and how she will have her beliefs shaped by the world she can live in.  

But then, I think back to the little lady who would burst into the room with a WAKE UP, DADA!

How I could just scoop her up without thought.  Or her in her crib, standing and singing and waiting for Dada to come get her out of bed.  Or her “Big Girl” bed that she had and her climbing in and out of that.  Her walking up the stairs in California, when that was a big deal.  Even who she was in July, when we started this crazy adventure.  

I guess what I mean and what I am trying to say is that it’s a unique and unusual thing, being a parent, because you want to see and hold all versions of your child and you are excited for what’s to come, but it’s all untouchable because time passes or hasn’t come to pass yet.  You only have today.

And today is what got me thinking about this all.  

This morning was like usual.  Only, after a short time, she wanted to get down.  “I don’t need more cuddles.  I can cuddle Tent Bed Blankie (a soft and fluffy blanket, but huge.  We used to drape it over her crib and then when that converted to a bed with low sides, same thing and she felt so special having it that way and the name Tent Bed Blankie stuck) and I want to do Epic (a reading app) and I’m hungry.  For cereal!”

But the look and attitude was pure 14 and 24 year old, not 4 year old, but at the same time, completely 4 year old.  She wanted me and cuddles, but wanted to be a big girl who didn’t need cuddles.  It was cute, but a little heart breaking.  Sweet, yet filled with attitude.  It’s something, I think, that a parent with a growing child who wants independence and yet still wants to be cute and kid like.  It’s a unique thing.

She will be 5 in a few weeks.  But it seems like 5 minutes ago that we brought her home.  Her first time eating a solid food.  Her first ballgame.  Hiking with her in a pack.  Little her laying and looking at “Taflingos” at the zoo.  Her in bed singing at night.  All of it.  I want it all back.  But I want to see what’s to come.  The next ballgame, zoo, beach, hike, walk, lunch, life, all of it.

She will never be me.  She will never be J.  She will take those part of us and concoct herself.  A unique blend of person and experiences, of place and time and history, of life and friends and people and who and what and how that will shape her.  I’m so very excited for it, but I never want it to get here, because I want my lap or laying next to me in bed telling me about her dreams and sleep forever.  I want it all and as J and I often say of her after a weekend day or just sweet evening together… I wish I could unhinge my jaw and just swallow her whole so I can just have her inside of me like that forever.  

In closing, I went up to the roof pool last night for a quick swim.  Because it was still 90 degrees hot (32.2 for my Euros) at 18:30.  Because I have a pool on the roof.  Because I wanted to just float for 10 minutes.  

But, there is a great view of the goings on of the area.  Rama 2 is on the come up, I think, and it’s exciting to see it all.  Oh, and the squat black building is the cafe/restaurant that we go to for breakfast or lunch sometimes and where we get BBQ Skewers at night sometimes.  Literally across the street.  The big gravel lot is a staging area for the construction and some of the work going on now, but will develop next.  We hear a McDs or KFC might move in.  Who knows though.  Maybe it will be some little local places that will blow our minds.  Either way, here’s the view from 9.  And yes, I took these while chillin in the pool.  Gotta say, some days are pretty cool!