The hard part of goodbye

Yesterday was a tough day.  Kiddo, from the very start of the day, was restless and seemed frustrated or on edge.  It was a very emotional day.  

J and Kiddo needed to go to BASIS and drop off some stuff for the Early Years and then Kiddo was going to play.  That was easy enough and they had a good time.  Kiddo got to burn off some energy.  Lunch and rest, but J went to get a hair trim during that time and then she took Kiddo to get a trim as well.  After that, Kiddo and I played for a while and J had a break and a little time to NOT with the Kiddo for a bit.  

After that, we really jumped on the emotional rollercoaster and had us a time.

We changed up the day a bit.  Normally, we do NH Library in the morning and then lunch at Washin Ramen.  Yesterday, we flipped that and went later in the day and then had ramen for dinner instead of lunch.  We all enjoyed and will miss Washin, but Kiddo was… emotional.  Close to the edge.  Nothing major, but little grumps or problems here and there.  We rolled with it.

Before that, the girls went to the library and I headed to Monochrome Cafe.  Part of the reason for that was to give the ladies a bit of time to themselves.  They bring me to the libraries, but they’ve always been library buds and I wanted to respect that bond.  The other part was that Monochrome closes at the same time as the library, but Kiddo loves their cakes.  So, I went to give them time, but also to get a cake.  Kiddo was hoping for Red Velvet, but it was not present.  Instead, they had a chocolate fudge cake.  There were zero complaints.  

The hard part was the library.  J told me that Kiddo wanted to walk around and “say goodbye”.  They just walked the library and looked at the books they loved and the little things Kiddo will miss.  She brought PorkChop with her and was very cuddly with him.  She also wanted to remember and share the library with PC, so she let him sit and do some last readings and goodbyes as well.  

Once home, we tossed Kiddo into the shower and got her clean.  After that, it was cake time and we were watching the end of Monsters University together.  We started it Friday night, but only got half way.  So, we watched the end and had a blast.  Kiddo has seen, but doesn’t really remember much, so she was glued at the end.  It was hilarious.  

Bedtime was the hardest.  Kiddo went to bed a few minutes to 20:00 (8pm), but spent the next hour up.  She couldn’t get comfortable.  There were hot/cold problems.  She needed a hug.  Could she have one last tuck in.  Could we help her with her blankets.  Then the meltdown came.  

The move.  The summer.  What if she can’t make friends.  What if she misses her old friends too much.  What if no one speaks English or Thai and she can’t talk to anyone.  She’s going to miss BASIS.  She’s going to miss Bangkok.  It was a laundry list of the feelings.  

We hugged and loved her and I left the room for J to do a last kiss and tuck when the waterworks reopened.  J was on it, so I stayed out and let her Mom magic it.  A few minutes later, she was coming out and the Kiddo was sobbing.  I give “the look.”  Parents know “the look.”  The one that asks, WTF is that all about.  I was given a smile and a head shake.  Ok, so it’s just Kiddo feeling the feelings.

Nope!

Kiddo wanted to shower.  She felt hot and sweaty and sticky and just wanted to rinse off and sleep.  J told her no.

I asked J if, whenever she got emotional and felt big feelings (believe it or not, that has happened a few times in the 18 years we’ve been together) if she liked to kind of shower and just rinse the cry and feelings off and then just cuddle and sleep.  J’s face just kind of dropped.  She realized she acted without giving it a full think through.

So, we went together to apologize to Kiddo and ask if she still wanted to shower off the feelings and cry.  YES!!!!

At 21:00 (9pm) I’m squeezed into a corner holding up a braided ponytail as J held the shower head and we hosed off Kiddo.  Once that was done, J got her rejammied and we retucked and loved and she was off to dreamland.

We are looking at the bright side.  Three years ago, at about this point, we had a kid covered in blue marker.  This time, we get tears and shouting and words.  Like Blue Kiddo, I’m trying to stay anchored and grounded.  Give her grace and space.  Let her feel what she needs to feel.  Love her and let her know it’s ok to feel and that J and I want to hear about that and help if we can and hug and love if we can’t.  

It’s going to be like this.  In 2 years (or 4 if we re-up on the contract), I’m sure we will deal with the 9 year old (or 11 year old) version of this again.  It’s hard.  It’s scary.  It’s anxiety inducing.  It’s also exciting.  It doesn’t help that we’re on short time and we have three weeks left to say goodbye to life, places, schools, markets, friends, teachers, and the people we know.  

That’s ok though.  It’s part of the adventure.  It’s the bargain we made.  This expat life, seeing the world, exploring like we are- well, doing that as adults is hard, but we decided to do it with a child, so allowing for the emotions, feelings, and tears are part of that.  However, I’m here.  J can get emotional and into her head at time, Kiddo is Kiddo and is 7 and it’s all strange and hard and full of new things and feelings and she doesn’t even know how to express that, so it all comes out as a mix of emotions and tears.  I’m just trying to keep the ship pointed forward and sailing true.  Sometimes that is busy and sometimes that is tough, but it always ends with smiles, hugs, and (usually) with me having tears drying on my sleeves.

In the end…. We are us.  A family.  Sometimes Kiddo is our rock and she gives us perspective.  Sometimes J is our center, keeping it all together and making sure neither Kiddo or I spin out.  Sometimes, that’s my job- To be the shelter in the storm.  The calm.  The one not freaking out.  

Let’s go, Kiddo… I know you are sad, but also excited.  Both Mumma and I are as well.  We will all be together and we will stay together.  We will elephant walk with you, laugh with you, play with you, love with you, explore with you, and just be with you.  We are us and you are at the center of that.  You will always be our best thing.