On being brave

I was laying in bed the other night and I was just awake and thinking.  I was thinking, specifically, about Kiddo and how brave she is in a lot of ways.  Moving across the world with J and I (not that she had much choice) was brave.  Quarantine.  Going to a school with mostly Thai kids.  Making friends.  Losing her tooth.  All of it.  She is so brave.  

Even her attitude.  That want to see more of the world and to explore it.  Her willingness to go to markets with J and myself and eat bugs.  Last summer in Vietnam and just trying pho or banh mi while we walked down a street.  Getting lost with J in the rain in HCMC and having that adventure.  Her excitement to travel 30,000 miles this summer.  Her excitement for Shanghai and wondering how it will be different, better/worse, and what kind of ‘interesting and fun things to do” once we get there.  

As I lay in the dark being a proud papa, I couldn’t help but remember when I was 5th/6th Grade.  It was near the end of the school year and near twilight.  It might have been early summer break.  Either way….

My bro, Grub, was 3rd*ish Grade.  He was using the neighbors riding mower to mow the lawn at the Pennington house.  Something happened and he lost control of the mower and it kind of reared and bucked up and ZRRRRRUUUUUMMMMMMPPPFFFFFFF!  One of the bushes that belonged to a neighbor on the other side was reduced to bits.  Grab was shaken.  He cut the power and found the nearest adult.  It happened to be my parents and the neighbor whose mower he was using.  In his driveway.  Laughing.  They told him that he needed to go and ring the other neighbor’s bell and tell them what happened and tell them that he would pay to replace it.  

No parent went with him.  He walked there.  Alone.  And told them just what happened.  Stood there, alone, aged 8/9ish and manned up.  The “adults” meanwhile, laughed a driveway away.  I loved my brother so much that day.  I can’t tell you how proud of him I was.  How brave he was that day.  

It’s been a line in the sand for me since.  THAT is bravery.  THAT is adulthood.  THAT is doing right.  I don’t know if Grub reads this, but if he does, know that you are a measuring stick of bravery for me because of that.  It’s a story I’ve told Kiddo as an example of bravery.  I was very proud of you that day.  I still am!

My bravery comes from not showing fear.  I might be scared, but I’ll walk up to the devil and spit in his eye and tell him “You’re Welcome!”  I’ll fight odds longer than the miles we are going to fly this summer and find a way to beat them.  Statistically, I shouldn’t be alive.  That’s no hyperbole.  Actuary math says that you take my unique health situation, my background, age, add in addictions and a global pandemic and I should not have survived to 46 years old.  That’s toughness and a different kind of bravery.

A video game I played recently,  God of War: Ragnorok, summed up my thoughts on that pretty well.  Death can have me when it earns me.  Death hasn’t earned me yet.  Then again, see what I mean about I’d walk up to the devil and spit in his eye?  

Kiddo has a bit of both.  She is a blend of those braveries.  I might actually be suppressing the me bravery in Kiddo.  She has ME to be that type of brave and she can be the quieter and subtler brave.  She can be the brave of Grub.  She can be brave in her own ways.  

She’s brave enough to get punished and argue (successfully) that it is unfair.  She can come to J or myself and tell us she’s scared.  That’s VERY brave.  Because I was never brave enough to tell my parents I was scared.  I was never brave enough to point out that a punishment was unfair.  

We are a tripod.  J and I are adults, but we still need Kiddo as our third.  To balance us.  Steady us.  Make us whole.  Much like J and Kiddo without me or me and Kiddo without J.  We need that third to make it whole.  To be brave.  To be explorers and adventurers.  To be this family.  

And don’t get me wrong…. J is brave as well.  She’s a mom and expat educator in Thailand and soon China.  She is brave in how she handles herself in her classroom, with her peers and principals, in her everyday life.  She confidently learns Thai and uses it.  She is brave in that she will not compromise facts for feelings in meetings and conferences.  She is not cruel, but she will not pull punches.  She will tell truth, hard as it is to hear… and hard as that is to tell.  THAT is brave too!  Anyone who has worked with Millionaire/Billionaire type people will know exactly what I mean.

We made a bold choice in moving here and choosing this life.  It cost us family and friends.  However, if you want to turn your backs on us for doing this, experiencing this, exploring the globe, and giving her this life, these opportunities, and the education she is getting, we think that’s more of a you problem than an us problem.  It is, to play off the theme of this entry, cowardice personified.  Especially when you take that out on a 4/5/6 year old.

Maybe WE are the cowards, though.  Maybe I’m looking at it wrong.  We left America instead of fighting within for better.  We left America instead of staying and finding a place to fit.  Maybe that makes us cowards.  I don’t think so, but I’m willing to hear that side of the argument.  A former friend of mine has said as much to me.  That we are cowards because we run.

Maybe.

However, we didn’t “run” to a convenient place that is American friendly and easy to learn the language.  We didn’t come here and spend the majority of our salary on American foods.  We’ve tried to learn and localize ourselves.  We’ve tried to use the language, learn it, and make ourselves passable in our day to day with locals and local markets.  Unlike everyone else we’ve met here, we are the only ones to NOT go back to America during our three years.  

Maybe it’s right.

Maybe it’s wrong.

Maybe it’s somewhere in between those two things.

All I know is that we are here.  We will be in Shanghai.  We will see other places.  We will make a life of it and love, laugh, and have fun as we do it.  That we will all be brave or do brave things during our time abroad.  On top of it all, though, is Kiddo.  What can we show her.  What can we give her to experience.  What can we do to show her more than we had ourselves.  Is that brave or cowardice?  Again, I lean brave, but I’m willing to hear the other side.

Let’s go, Kiddo… It’s less than 100 days.  We have LA booked and are efforting on the rest.  We are doing all the paperwork and other stuff and still making time to love, laugh, and fall into your world while still keeping you informed on ours.  We want and need your opinions on this summer, on next year, and on the job and jobs to follow Shanghai.  You are JUST AS important as Mumma or I am.  Your voice matters just as much.  We will be brave when you need us, but we will follow you when you are brave.  We love you.