Kiddo wants to go home

As a father the one thing I hate seeing in Kiddo is heartbreak.  That is something that I try to avoid her feeling and experiencing at all costs.  As we’ve planned our February and have been talking about our summer breaks, we’ve included Kiddo in those talks.  One thing we’ve been most adamant about is that we are NOT returning to the States this summer.

Last night, all those talks caught up with us.  Kiddo went to bed and all was fine, until it wasn’t.

As J and I sat and started a movie.  About 15 minutes later, Kiddo comes out with a pinched and worried look on her face.  She was distraught and heartbroken.

She wants to “go home.”

We comforted her and told her we were home.  Her, Mumma, and Dada were all home.  The doors were locked and everything was safe.  She cried harder and she wanted to just not live in China, but to go home.

There was loss and heartbreak in her voice.  We tried to calm her.

Finally, we asked where she wanted to go that was home.

THAILAND!

To spoil the upcoming trip a bit, we canceled the Chiang Mai leg of the trip.  It’s just too expensive.  For a lot of reasons.  It’s kind of peak season for Chinese travelers to go to Thailand and CM right now, so in the interest of budget and being able to see more, we knocked that off the itinerary and went in a different direction with our plans.  We still are discussing CM and Thailand for our summer travels, as we are thinking we can travel around SEA a bit, see Cambodia, Laos, Indonesia, and maybe even Malaysia.  It’s summer, so it’s off season there and the travel will be cheap enough and we can get some passport stamps and see some places that could (potentially) be job sites for us in the future.  

Kiddo, however, wanted to get back next month and was really hoping to “see home again.”  The familiarity of the language, the writing, and the people.  She had built it up in her mind that we were going and it finally hit her that we were not and that was kind of a crushing blow to her.  It’s easy enough to travel there this summer and it is top of our list, even if we do nothing else.  So, that assured her and we are looking forward to getting back this summer.

The take away, though, is that Kiddo really is a little Thai girl.  To her, that is home.  I think that says a lot about this adventure we are on and how Kiddo sees herself and her place in it.  How she views the family.  How she views herself in the world.  She may have a US Passport, but she doesn’t see that as home.  She sees Thailand as home.  She sees Beer as a caregiver and almost as an older sister or aunt.  She sees Doc J and Mr E as family.  She calls Schmittah, uncle B.  She misses Jesters and wishes we could be closer so she could meet her new cousin G while also seeing how Hen Hen the Mighty is growing up, but she gets that it’s a looooong plane flight and that America might not be safe right now.  

It was heartbreaking seeing her cry.  Seeing her long for home.  However, it was also a bit uplifting to see her explain that home is Thailand.  That she sees that as her place in the world.  That she sees it as home.  She has that connection to the place and it’s peoples.  That she will always have a love for Thailand, the food, the markets, and the language.  She will travel and see a ton of the world, but she has a place that she calls home and that makes me happy.

Let’s go, Kiddo… It’s time to explore more, but also to keep our eyes on going home and seeing home for you.  To get you back to where you feel a belonging.  To return you to your place so you can relax and have comfort.  Home will always be with me and Mumma, but home will (also) always be that place where you feel the biggest connection to and find comfort in.  We are glad you are our little Thai girl and our Kiddo.  We love you.